I would like to paint a picture, but it'd take more than a day...

I would like to paint a picture but it'd take more than a day...

in the grand scheme of life, it's often hard to expose yourself to people.  I am not talkin' trench coat and socks kind of exposing.  more so the core of who you are.  people always say they are accepting, but are they really?  fuck no.  it's nature.  it's who people have always been.  holy or not.  

I done a lot of crazy shit in my life.  I have also hurt a lot of people to go along with that.  Anod no...I am not proud of those moments, but those moments have defined my persona for a lot of people.  And I am ok with that at the end of the day.  you should ALWAYS take serious the demons that plague a man.  Here as late I have wrestle with these demons.  And in the past they have won, but there comes a time when you have to recognize these demons and do 1 of 2 things.  1) Let them consume you, because hey in the past it always worked out one way or another or 2) You fight your demons in hope to be and do better.  At this point in my life I have chosen the later.  

I heard this quote yesterday "In order to win anything you have to lose EVERYTHING!"  I felt that.  Because now I am back to the shell of who I am.  And that's ok.  I define myself and will continue to do so.

You know what the best feeling in the world is though?  to have someone to tell those demons with.  Someone to be open and share those transgression with. It's fuckin' hard!!  Recently I had the opportunity to do just that!  I was so open.  So raw.  And she was encouraging.  She said "your demons are now mine...I got you."  Talk about a sigh of relief.  To meet someone who is willing to understand my past transgressions and not put their soles on the track and Flo-Jo it!  I want so desperately to paint a picture of this so called life of mine, but it's gonna take more than a day.  Having someone that is willing to stand beside you, to hear you, to listen, hold your hand when it seems to be falling apart.  That's huge.  No one wants to be reminded over and over and over and over of the shit they have done in the past.  It doesn't really serve a purpose.  To be encouraged.  To be reassured.  Therein lies the beauty of healing.  I can focus a little better now that standing in my corner is someone that can absorb the pain and help shape my life for the better!

~the Increasingly Poor Decisions of Brian Sevier

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY...BUT CAME BACK...

 THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY...BUT CAME BACK

So if you ask anyone, well almost anyone, there's ALWAYS the one that got away.  Not saying you're pining for that person or willing to risk your current situation for a "what-if".  But yet they are there.  

You got away.  All the late night conversations.  All the ups...all the downs and everything in between, you were always there.  Through messy relationships, failed marriages, through kids and the everyday ills of life...you were there.  Subtly.  Every so often you would pop up to let me know you were alive.  Or how the little one was doing.  We would talk about work or our latest situations...which in my case there were more than naught. We've spent holidays together, we've laughed on one coast of the country to the other.  And my family and friends have always adored you. But you got away...

You know my darkest secrets and never judged me.  Sure I know I might have disappointed you with the decisions I've made or the paths I've chosen, but you were always there.  Wondering what the fuck was wrong with me and why couldn't I just be normal..  I remember the first time our paths crossed.  I knew at that moment our lives would forever be connected.  And in some regards they always have been.  3 Stacks said he always knew you'd come back around...Lynette and Jazzy always ask about you...but you got away...

Most recently I've gone through arguably the darkest time in my life.  A time where everything is so uncertain.  I lost A LOT in the process and ultimately I had to re-evaluate the very core of who I am or was.  I was sitting out back watching the fire sway to the breeze...or maybe it was the Jill Scott baseline, sipping some bubbly...and the phone rang.  How did you know? Was the universe sending you my very own Bat signal and you just happened to look up at the sky and *poof* you're on the roof with Jim Gordon?

My soul was instantly eased.  And everything in my dark world all of a sudden was bright.  Your words were thoughtful, but brutally honest.  It wasn't just bullshit I wanted to hear, but words I needed to hear.  From someone I trusted.  Someone I have always believed in, because if the situation were reversed I would be going at your head just the same.  It was one of the best conversations I have had in a long while.  And I left feeling renewed.  Like everything was gonna be ok.  I felt that...but you got away.

Recently I was with 3 Stacks and we were just talking about relationships and how funny life can be sometimes and he randomly brought your name up.  About how dope you are or how down you've been from day one...and before he could finish his thoughts, I found my left hand swyping across the Samsung. I might have sent you 6 paragraphs and devised a plan.  I waited in agony for a reply.  Wait did I just fuck my friendship up?  Now this shit is going to be very awkward right.  After several minutes you replied with... "that's actually a good idea! But I have a question of my own?"

Still unsure as to what was happening I immediately responded "GO!"

Her question?  "What took you so long?"

In life it's rare to find someone to truly love you for you.  Good, bad and all the bullshit in between.  I thought I found true love once.  And I lost that...and parts of me thought I would never survive that.  But in truth, you were the one I was made for.  Looking back through history the signs were ALWAYS there.  I had to go through my bullshit in order to see what was always set before me.  I find myself on my hands and knees praying throughout my life for a bestfriend to walk through this life with and God has been sending you my way for over a decade.  That's crazy to even think about.  Ironically the "Un-thinkable" remix just came on as I type this ode to the one that got away.  How true are those lyrics?  WOW!  Signs.  "If you're with me I'm ready." 

The one that got away became the one that came back.  And I've got a nagging suspicion that this time she's not leaving.  And I'm SOOOOOOO ok with that.  In life you can go from extreme highs to extreme lows.  Having someone who truly understands who you are, what you have been through makes the difficult days not so much difficult.  

From the most random of encounters to over a decade of unyielding friendship, you got away.  Then life saw fit to bring you back...for good!

~The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Brian Sevier~

  

FROM TIME

 FROM TIME

"Passive aggressive when we're texting, I feel the distance"

I often find myself wondering where all the back and forth ever got me?  looking back at all the arguments just to prove a simple point.  the answer is blatantly no where.  sometimes the means never really justify the end.  you can never win when someone never really hears what you are saying no matter how right you might be.

"We even talked about you and our couple of moments, he said we should hash it out like a couple of grown ups."

you always have those people that you trust for advice, but what do you do when the advice isn't something you necessarily want to hear?  I have come to find that I will always do what I want regardless.  and that isn't a bad thing.  our hearts are always made up far before our minds will ever be. therein lies the issue.  our hearts define those feelings and emotions that everyone else sees but us.

"Who the fuck wants to be 70 and alone?"

SHORT ANSWER...NO ONE.  BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU FIND THE ONE...AND THEN SHE ISN'T?  YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THE SAME POSITION YOU WERE BEFORE.  ALONE.  IN THE GRAND SCHEME I 1) WANT SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP, 2) WILL ACCEPT ME FOR ME *WHICH EVERYONE TENDS TO SAY BUT WE KNOW THAT CAN BE BULLSHIT*, & 3) STAND AND FIGHT NO MATTER THE ODDS.  THAT LAST ONE IS A TRICKY ONE.  IT'S EASIER FOR PEOPLE TO JUST WALK AWAY THEN TO JUST STAND PAT.  THESE DAYS YOU HAVE SO MANY OPTIONS.  WHY WOULD YOU?  JUST MAKES FOR A LONELY SOCIETY.

"I search for something I'm missing and disappear when I'm bored"

highly GUITLY OF THIS.  WHEN I LOOK BACK AT MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS.  WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MAYBE 3, I WAS ALWAYS SEARCHING FOR WHAT i THOUGHT i ALWAYS NEEDED.  GUESS WHAT?  i DIDN'T NEED A THING AT ALL.  OR AT LEAST NOT WHAT I WAS THINKING I DID.  AND POOF HE'S GONE.  AND WHEN I DID FIND IT...WELL THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

"I've always been feeling like she was the piece to complete me"

YES SHE WAS, BUT IN THE END, THE PIECE JUST FELL OUT OF PLACE. AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH DUCK TAPE AND GORILLA GLUE YOU USE...SOMETIMES THEY DON'T FALL IN PLACE AFTER ALL.

"Girl, I felt like we had it all planned out, I guess I fucked up the vision
Learning the true consequences of my selfish decisions"

I SAW IT SO CLEAR.  THAT FUTURE THAT DREAMS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MADE OF!  BUT YOUR MIND SOMETIMES TAKES OVER. AND THE GLASSES COME OFF AND THE VISION IS ALL SKEWED. MISTAKES WERE MADE.  AND ALTHOUGH I RECOGNIZE THE POINT WHERE THE VISION WAS LESS THAN ROSE COLORED, BUT IT DOESN'T HURT ANY LESS.

"When you find out how I'm living, I just hope I'm forgiven"

PERFECTION IS A WORD THAT I WOULD NOT USE TO DESCRIBE ME.  AND I HAVE DONE THINGS IN MY PAST THAT I AM HIGHLY ASHAMED OF.  BUT THERE WAS A TIME, WHEN I GAVE MY ALL.  DESPITE MY PAST TRANGRESSIONS.  AND MY PAST PROVED TOO MUCH.  AND I LIVE WITH THAT.  ITS EYE OPENING TO BE HONEST.  AND TRUTHGULLY REFRESHING.  BECAUSE PAST TRANSGRESSIONS THAT HAD PLAGUED MY PAST NO LONGER REALLY RESTRAIN ME ANY LONGER.  *BREATHE*

~THE INCREASINGLY POOR DECISIONS OF BRIAN SEVIER

JOY COMES IN THE MORNING!

JOY COMES IN THE MORNING!

 You ever have one of those nights where morning comes way too soon?  The type of night where you lie in bed just anxious.  Your thoughts just run wild in your head as if they were running an ultra marathon but the finish line keeps getting pulled further and further away.  My nights as of late have been filled with a lot of uncertainty.  I find myself lost in ways I never thought I would be before.  But there I lay.  Hopeless in my own despair.  I don't have the answers to questions that normally would just roll off my tongue.  But there I lay.  Alone.  Empty.  Needing answers to questions I shouldn't have to ask.  At some point I finally drifted off.  Even though my heart was hurting, my soul was restless, and in no way shape or form at peace.

 

Then my alarm went off.  And yes I was very sleepy.  But I felt a little different.  As I laid myself down to sleep last night I did so in prayer...which I didn't finish...but maybe God was listening anyway...

My mood was elevated from what it was the night before. For the first time in a long time my vision was clear and I felt focused.  I woke relaxed and calm!  On the way to work, I feel like I hit all the green lights.  Traffic moved a little easier and to top it off, my work crush spoke to me randomly for about 20 minutes, yet it seemed like hours.  Joy truly comes in the morning...

~The Increasing Poor Decisions of Brian Sevier

 THE LAST RESORT!

It's been said that one has a breaking point.  In all things.  Could be a job... could be a group... be a relationship.  How does one get pushed exactly?  People often say that enough is enough.  How true is that?  Nothing in life tends to be both fair and both equal.  And in relationship this rings very very true.

Couples go thru the ups and they go thru the downs.  At which point is enough enough?  I have this friend who has been in a terribly shitty marriage for years upon years.  There is nothing good about their marriage.  Outwards and in.  The clearly don't love each other anymore and yet they stay.  Why?  Ask her...she doesn't want to start over...ask him...it's because she's hot.  What the actual fuck...

Here in lies the last resort conundrum.  When does the last ditch effort to save whatever piece of dignity you have left when the ship is going down and going down in flames.  When do you give it all you have to save something, that just might not be worth saving in the end.  How do you judge if it is even worth it?  

When you think about a resort.  What comes to mind?  Basking in the sun...great food...sand in your toes?  That piece of heaven that people desperately try to find day in and day out.  But alas, this is not the resort that I speak of.  

The last resort is not all sunshine and ice cold Coronas.  It's more like my hand is on the doorknob slowly turning it while I plan my escape.  Everyone wishes for a mostly happily ever after, but it's rare that most people find it.  

I found the one true love of my life.  And I fought hard everyday to show her just how much she was loved, appreciated and ALWAYS wanted.  Only to be made to feel like I was never good enough.  Like I didn't matter.  I should've walked away many times.  Afterall I have always been the guy that preaches self worth.  To always tell my friends they need to recognize when to walk out the door.  Yet I found myself in the war of my life.  Letting go is always easy...in theory.  But fuck does hurt hurt.  You never want to learn hard lessons.  Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.  But I find myself being a student.  The last resort is to save yourself, but the alternative is far far worse!

~The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Brian Sevier