A Woman's Guide to Surviving the Super Bowl Party

Yesterday I was chatting with a female friend of mine, and she was expressing how excited she was to attend a Bowl party on Sunday.  When I asked why she was so excited, her reply..." 'cause hot guys will be there."  Which means her interest in this sporting event was merely...a sporting one so to speak.  In my mind this had disaster written ALL over it.  She didn't care who was playing and and after a lengthy debate over whether or not Tim Tebow was playing, she could only name 1 player.  Yes...Tom Brady.  When I bought this up to a few of my female friends who actually watch the sport, they generally had two responses:  Either they were utterly disgusted or they wanted to punch the female who shall remain nameless in the face.  SO before the BIG game ladies, here are a few rules to follow while watching.  No one wants to be "that girl" who's been banished to Revis Island (The Corner):

1)  NEVER walk in front of the TV during game play.  If you have to grab another beer or some wings, try to do it with out blocking what could possibly be the play of the game.

2)  DO your homework.  At a minimum you should know what teams are playing and AT least the quarterbacks of the opposing teams.

3)  You're not Alex Trebek, so stop with all the questions...ESPECIALLY if they aren't game related.  All questions should be short and after a play is over.  There is nothing more annoying than trying to watch a game while someone is going on and on about something no one cares about.

4)  PAY ATTENTION.  This go hand and hand with #3.  You should always be aware of the score and the quarter and who has the ball.  If for some reason you don't know..check the screen first.

5)  NEVER wear a pink jersey.  Unless you are a TRUE fan, not a bandwagon rider, a jersey isn't necessary.  And in the event you have a jersey with a players name on it, please know a little something about the player.  Tees with logos are always acceptable.

6)  NEVER PRETEND to know what's going on.  Guys can sense ignorance when it comes to sports.  You don't wanna be "that girl" who looks like an idiot because she's trying a little too hard to fit in with the guys.  It's OK if you don't understand a penalty or another faction of the game...just choose the right time to ask.

7)  No need to ask if someone needs a refill, just get it.  If you're sitting next to a hottie and you notice his drink is empty, the perfect way to score brownie points is to simply grab him a new one.  He'll definitely remember that after the games over.

8)  NEVER say you're rooting for a team because their quarter back is cute or so & so has a nice butt.  This is the fastest way to get you looked at as if you have a member on your forehead.  Root for whoever you like but at least have a favorite player which shows us you actually have some interest in the game.

9)  BE interested.  The easiest way to make yourself more attractive to a guy is to seem like you're actually a fan. There's nothing hotter than a woman you can talk sports to.  Show us you're not here because you heard there will be cute guys or because your friend didn't wanna go alone, but because you have a vested interest in the game itself.

10) And most importantly...HAVE FUN.  Don't be afraid to cheer loudly and talk crap if the situation calls for it. If a guy sees you are having fun and you're comfortable, he's more likely to engage in a conversation with you.  Just don't over do it!

IF you follow these simple guidelines, your Super Bowl Sunday should go off without a hitch and lead to a great time!  And possibly a date!!  So do your homework, go prepared and try not to drink too much!!  GO BEARS!!

~~The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Brian Sevier

A Marvin's Room Moment

What is it about a late night, accompanied by a bottle of your favorite alcoholic beverage, that fuels your desire to retrace the footsteps of your life in such a publicly demeaning manner?  Specifically your "so-called" love life.  The more you have to drink, the more vivid the pictures tend to become.  The good...the bad..all followed by being plagued by what-ifs and regrets.

I was recently downtown at a bar having a few drinks, far later than I probably should have been.  While waiting for the bartender to retrieve my Corona I unwittingly engaged in a conversation with this very attractive, yet blatantly troubled 20 something, who began spilling her heart to me over a bottle of Jameson...yes you read that correctly...Jame-O.  Over the blah blah blah's she was spewing my mind began it's own trek.  For starters I found it odd that this very attractive woman was sitting at this bar...alone..and in tears.  And drinking Jameson neat for that matter.  And just exactly how I got duped into hearing her very depressing soliloquy still baffles my mind to no ends.  She told me how she had a fight with her boyfriend because he bought home the wrong kind of sandwich bread.  I know you're wondering how a loaf of Wonder Bread can have a woman crying in a crowded bar drinking a neat Jame-O.  AS was I.  Well it turns out that the bread was merely the catalyst that sparked the argument that would ultimately be the undoing of the young woman's evening...

The story begins with a simple craving for a roast beef sandwich with provolone, light mayo and a shower.  She asked her guy to go to the store for her, which was on the bottom level of their condo, while she showers.  Without complaint he goes...but comes back with the wrong type of bread, which makes her goes ape shit.  The argument goes from the wrong type of bread to the classic "you never listen to anything I say".  She stops her story to tell me that she's really a good person, a fact which she kept iterating throughout the entire conversation.  So after ripping her guy a new asshole, he calmly tells her to get her shit and get the hell out.  And of course she would continue having a one sided argument with him.  Just gotta get in that last word. It was that last word that had her talking to her dear friend Jame-O.  I asked her why did she have to go off on him.  I mean after all he did go out of his way to get her the loaf.  Her response..."How hard is it to get a fuckin' loaf of bread!!"  WHOA...everyone just calm down!!  I mean technically he DID do what she asked.  She began crying once again and picked up her phone to call him.  Meanwhile...everyone in the bar is looking at me like I'm the douche bag that has her in tears.  Oh to be the Samaritan.  Her call goes unanswered which doesn't phase her as she left a very weird voicemail...both professing her love, yet still giving him shit for buying the wrong bread.  3 or 4 calls and half a unopened bottle Of Jameson later, he FINALLY answers...a Marvin's Room moment ensues.  His first question..."Are you drunk right now??" 

This Marvin's Room moment was bought to you in part by: 

I've always been baffled how people can argue about the STUPIDEST things and think it's OK.  Although I was quite entertained, despite the funny looks from the bar patronage, things could have ended a lot different if she just would've shut the hell up and ate the white bread.  Instead she was sitting depressingly at the bar having a Marvin's Room moment with yours truly!

~~THE INCREASINGLY POOR DECISIONS OF BRIAN SEVIER