I would like to paint a picture but it'd take more than a day...
in the grand scheme of life, it's often hard to expose yourself to people. I am not talkin' trench coat and socks kind of exposing. more so the core of who you are. people always say they are accepting, but are they really? fuck no. it's nature. it's who people have always been. holy or not.
I done a lot of crazy shit in my life. I have also hurt a lot of people to go along with that. Anod no...I am not proud of those moments, but those moments have defined my persona for a lot of people. And I am ok with that at the end of the day. you should ALWAYS take serious the demons that plague a man. Here as late I have wrestle with these demons. And in the past they have won, but there comes a time when you have to recognize these demons and do 1 of 2 things. 1) Let them consume you, because hey in the past it always worked out one way or another or 2) You fight your demons in hope to be and do better. At this point in my life I have chosen the later.
I heard this quote yesterday "In order to win anything you have to lose EVERYTHING!" I felt that. Because now I am back to the shell of who I am. And that's ok. I define myself and will continue to do so.
You know what the best feeling in the world is though? to have someone to tell those demons with. Someone to be open and share those transgression with. It's fuckin' hard!! Recently I had the opportunity to do just that! I was so open. So raw. And she was encouraging. She said "your demons are now mine...I got you." Talk about a sigh of relief. To meet someone who is willing to understand my past transgressions and not put their soles on the track and Flo-Jo it! I want so desperately to paint a picture of this so called life of mine, but it's gonna take more than a day. Having someone that is willing to stand beside you, to hear you, to listen, hold your hand when it seems to be falling apart. That's huge. No one wants to be reminded over and over and over and over of the shit they have done in the past. It doesn't really serve a purpose. To be encouraged. To be reassured. Therein lies the beauty of healing. I can focus a little better now that standing in my corner is someone that can absorb the pain and help shape my life for the better!
~the Increasingly Poor Decisions of Brian Sevier
