I was recently downtown at a bar having a few drinks, far later than I probably should have been. While waiting for the bartender to retrieve my Corona I unwittingly engaged in a conversation with this very attractive, yet blatantly troubled 20 something, who began spilling her heart to me over a bottle of Jameson...yes you read that correctly...Jame-O. Over the blah blah blah's she was spewing my mind began it's own trek. For starters I found it odd that this very attractive woman was sitting at this bar...alone..and in tears. And drinking Jameson neat for that matter. And just exactly how I got duped into hearing her very depressing soliloquy still baffles my mind to no ends. She told me how she had a fight with her boyfriend because he bought home the wrong kind of sandwich bread. I know you're wondering how a loaf of Wonder Bread can have a woman crying in a crowded bar drinking a neat Jame-O. AS was I. Well it turns out that the bread was merely the catalyst that sparked the argument that would ultimately be the undoing of the young woman's evening...
The story begins with a simple craving for a roast beef sandwich with provolone, light mayo and a shower. She asked her guy to go to the store for her, which was on the bottom level of their condo, while she showers. Without complaint he goes...but comes back with the wrong type of bread, which makes her goes ape shit. The argument goes from the wrong type of bread to the classic "you never listen to anything I say". She stops her story to tell me that she's really a good person, a fact which she kept iterating throughout the entire conversation. So after ripping her guy a new asshole, he calmly tells her to get her shit and get the hell out. And of course she would continue having a one sided argument with him. Just gotta get in that last word. It was that last word that had her talking to her dear friend Jame-O. I asked her why did she have to go off on him. I mean after all he did go out of his way to get her the loaf. Her response..."How hard is it to get a fuckin' loaf of bread!!" WHOA...everyone just calm down!! I mean technically he DID do what she asked. She began crying once again and picked up her phone to call him. Meanwhile...everyone in the bar is looking at me like I'm the douche bag that has her in tears. Oh to be the Samaritan. Her call goes unanswered which doesn't phase her as she left a very weird voicemail...both professing her love, yet still giving him shit for buying the wrong bread. 3 or 4 calls and half a unopened bottle Of Jameson later, he FINALLY answers...a Marvin's Room moment ensues. His first question..."Are you drunk right now??"
This Marvin's Room moment was bought to you in part by:
I've always been baffled how people can argue about the STUPIDEST things and think it's OK. Although I was quite entertained, despite the funny looks from the bar patronage, things could have ended a lot different if she just would've shut the hell up and ate the white bread. Instead she was sitting depressingly at the bar having a Marvin's Room moment with yours truly!
~~THE INCREASINGLY POOR DECISIONS OF BRIAN SEVIER
